The person I am today barely recognizes the person I was at the
beginning of this year. It's rare that I get the occasion to see
myself with enough clarity, casting off the lens of self-criticism I
typical view myself through, in order to see how much I have changed.
One of my recurring prayers is that God will make me want to be
obedient, and that he'll make me better. I tell myself at least once a
day, "I want to be a better person." My false reality--the one in
which I am composed entirely of negative characteristics and cannot
find one good thing about myself--has ruled my life for over 30 years.
This occasionally alternates with another lie, in which I am so
awesome that I cannot comprehend why someone wouldn't love me, or take
my advice and just do what I said, or want to be like me.
In both instances, where I puff myself up, and where I beat myself
down, I am drowning in pride. My self-centeredness scares me.
As this year has progressed, it's become evident that it's time I stop
believing lies. I'm not actually worthless, horrid, and hideous.
Neither am I the person with all the answers that everyone should be
listening to. I have spent more time this year in intense Bible study
than ever before. For example, I've read and reread and outlined and
discussed Philippians, because I want to choose joy. I want to know
what to do and then act on it. I cannot tell you how often I've read
Proverbs 31, looking for a glimpse of myself. I've spent the better
part of 2012 filling my head with the truth in order to recognize and
combat lies. It was no accident I ended up in a small group studying
The Truth Project.
I need to hear and believe the truth.
At one time, I thought the me of 12 months ago was crazy, weak,
pathetic, sad, and heartbroken. That was my identity and I lived that
out. I could not comprehend why I could not control my thoughts, be
different, be better.
Early in 2012, I prayed often for God to make things different. I
wanted him to just take away my problems. I yelled at God a lot. I
questioned his wisdom and didn't trust him.
Finally, finally, God got me to settle down and be quiet long enough
for me to hear the truth. I was trying to change things. I would do
this or that and things would be different. Everything in my own
power. No wonder it didn't work. Rather than cling to the truth of
God, I clung to my fear.
I still fall so short of who I am going to become. No, I don't like
that God has placed a spotlight on my pride. But I know it's what I
need. I need to see that by believing I was unimportant and unloved,
it was, in essence, my way of telling God I knew more than he did.
I thought, he says all these good things about his children, but he means
everyone BUT me. I was calling God a liar. That's pretty arrogant.
While I don't like seeing how critical and bossy I can be, I have hope
that I won't always be this way. No longer am I crippled by my
negative thoughts. I'm beginning to learn to be humble and obedient.
I am not always excited to change, because I know it's going to hurt.
That anxiety is something I keep giving to God. I pray he will make
me want to obey him.
I can't change, but God can change me.
And now, I wait.