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Saturday, December 29, 2012

The Me I Am Becoming

The person I am today barely recognizes the person I was at the
beginning of this year. It's rare that I get the occasion to see
myself with enough clarity, casting off the lens of self-criticism I
typical view myself through, in order to see how much I have changed.
One of my recurring prayers is that God will make me want to be
obedient, and that he'll make me better. I tell myself at least once a
day, "I want to be a better person."  My false reality--the one in
which I am composed entirely of negative characteristics and cannot
find one good thing about myself--has ruled my life for over 30 years.
 This occasionally alternates with another lie, in which I am so
awesome that I cannot comprehend why someone wouldn't love me, or take
my advice and just do what I said, or want to be like me.

In both instances, where I puff myself up, and where I beat myself
down, I am drowning in pride.  My self-centeredness scares me.

As this year has progressed, it's become evident that it's time I stop
believing lies. I'm not actually worthless, horrid, and hideous.
Neither am I the person with all the answers that everyone should be
listening to. I have spent more time this year in intense Bible study
than ever before.  For example, I've read and reread and outlined and
discussed Philippians, because I want to choose joy. I want to know
what to do and then act on it. I cannot tell you how often I've read
Proverbs 31, looking for a glimpse of myself.  I've spent the better
part of 2012 filling my head with the truth in order to recognize and
combat lies. It was no accident I ended up in a small group studying
The Truth Project.

I need to hear and believe the truth.

At one time, I thought the me of 12 months ago was crazy, weak,
pathetic, sad, and heartbroken.  That was my identity and I lived that
out.  I could not comprehend why I could not control my thoughts, be
different, be better.

Early in 2012, I prayed often for God to make things different. I
wanted him to just take away my problems. I yelled at God a lot.  I
questioned his wisdom and didn't trust him.

Finally, finally, God got me to settle down and be quiet long enough
for me to hear the truth. I was trying to change things. I would do
this or that and things would be different. Everything in my own
power. No wonder it didn't work.  Rather than cling to the truth of
God, I clung to my fear.

I still fall so short of who I am going to become.  No, I don't like
that God has placed a spotlight on my pride.  But I know it's what I
need.  I need to see that by believing I was unimportant and unloved,
it was, in essence, my way of telling God I knew more than he did.
I thought, he says all these good things about his children, but he means
everyone BUT me.  I was calling God a liar.  That's pretty arrogant.

While I don't like seeing how critical and bossy I can be, I have hope
that I won't always be this way. No longer am I crippled by my
negative thoughts.  I'm beginning to learn to be humble and obedient.
I am not always excited to change, because I know it's going to hurt.
That anxiety is something I keep giving to God.  I pray he will make
me want to obey him.

I can't change, but God can change me.

And now, I wait.


  1. I find many similarities in my own walk. In the occasional moments of clarity, I realize that the more I have come to know who God is, the more I have come to know who I am. One would think that this revelation would cause me to spend more time in His word, but no, my lazy self continues. I sometimes wonder who I would be today without Christ. So I encourage you, and am encouraged by you, to remain patient and seek His truth. This is the only way we will see ourselves properly.

  2. You've spoken an amazing amount of truth here.

  3. Realizing that beating myself down was a form of pride was really eye opening for me. I think pride is my biggest issue and when I pray about it, I'm fearful of how painful the change will be. (I have a lot of pride so I know it's going to be very hard to be changed.)

    I'm glad you are able to see yourself with clarity and that you had a good growing year. Now I'm going to ponder some more of what you wrote and fearfully pray for some change in myself.

    1. Change is always hard. I guess if it were easy, everyone would do it.


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