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Saturday, December 29, 2012

The Me I Am Becoming

The person I am today barely recognizes the person I was at the
beginning of this year. It's rare that I get the occasion to see
myself with enough clarity, casting off the lens of self-criticism I
typical view myself through, in order to see how much I have changed.
One of my recurring prayers is that God will make me want to be
obedient, and that he'll make me better. I tell myself at least once a
day, "I want to be a better person."  My false reality--the one in
which I am composed entirely of negative characteristics and cannot
find one good thing about myself--has ruled my life for over 30 years.
 This occasionally alternates with another lie, in which I am so
awesome that I cannot comprehend why someone wouldn't love me, or take
my advice and just do what I said, or want to be like me.

In both instances, where I puff myself up, and where I beat myself
down, I am drowning in pride.  My self-centeredness scares me.

As this year has progressed, it's become evident that it's time I stop
believing lies. I'm not actually worthless, horrid, and hideous.
Neither am I the person with all the answers that everyone should be
listening to. I have spent more time this year in intense Bible study
than ever before.  For example, I've read and reread and outlined and
discussed Philippians, because I want to choose joy. I want to know
what to do and then act on it. I cannot tell you how often I've read
Proverbs 31, looking for a glimpse of myself.  I've spent the better
part of 2012 filling my head with the truth in order to recognize and
combat lies. It was no accident I ended up in a small group studying
The Truth Project.

I need to hear and believe the truth.

At one time, I thought the me of 12 months ago was crazy, weak,
pathetic, sad, and heartbroken.  That was my identity and I lived that
out.  I could not comprehend why I could not control my thoughts, be
different, be better.

Early in 2012, I prayed often for God to make things different. I
wanted him to just take away my problems. I yelled at God a lot.  I
questioned his wisdom and didn't trust him.

Finally, finally, God got me to settle down and be quiet long enough
for me to hear the truth. I was trying to change things. I would do
this or that and things would be different. Everything in my own
power. No wonder it didn't work.  Rather than cling to the truth of
God, I clung to my fear.

I still fall so short of who I am going to become.  No, I don't like
that God has placed a spotlight on my pride.  But I know it's what I
need.  I need to see that by believing I was unimportant and unloved,
it was, in essence, my way of telling God I knew more than he did.
I thought, he says all these good things about his children, but he means
everyone BUT me.  I was calling God a liar.  That's pretty arrogant.

While I don't like seeing how critical and bossy I can be, I have hope
that I won't always be this way. No longer am I crippled by my
negative thoughts.  I'm beginning to learn to be humble and obedient.
I am not always excited to change, because I know it's going to hurt.
That anxiety is something I keep giving to God.  I pray he will make
me want to obey him.

I can't change, but God can change me.

And now, I wait.