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Tuesday, February 12, 2013

I'm not crazy!

I recently admitted my history of self-hatred to you.  I was full of terror when I put that out there, and I still want to take down this post because it's just a little too honest.  I'm fairly certain that's the self-hatred creeping back in, telling me that people think I'm crazy or worse--that they feel sorry for me.

I struggle with accepting myself.  I'm emotional.  I actually think of myself as a bit of an emotional freak, as I feel everything intensely.  It can be exhausting.  I have wished my emotions away, often thinking life would be so much easier if I were a robot.  I said that to my husband once, and he told me he admired my ability to express emotions.  I had never once thought of it as something that could be a good trait, until he said that.

In the past year, I've come to realize that emotions, in themselves, are fine.  Healthy, even.  It's letting my emotions run my life that is the problem. I've learned that I can't base my actions on my emotions.  When my emotions are in charge, my head is full of lies, and that is when I am most likely to hate myself.  I am working to learn how to feel things in a healthy way.  I generally stuff every feeling I have until I'm so overwhelmed that I release a flood of crazy.  Kind of like this:

The fact is, I'm sensitive, emotional, introverted, and quirky.  I used to look at those traits and think they made me a freak.  And, well, maybe I am not like everyone else. But I do know I am who God wants me to be today.

In the end, I have to rest in the knowledge that self-acceptance is going to be a journey.  I can't just decide overnight to completely change, and actually change.  Only God can do that for me, and so far, he hasn't.  I'm okay with that, because I know that he knows far better what he's doing than I.  He sees a big picture for my life that I do not see.  I trust it's a good one.