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Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Music is my friend

I like music.  Okay, I lied.  I actually love music.  It's more of a violent passion, really.

I've been known to say ridiculous things like, "I'd like to curl up inside that song."  I am positive that someone else out there can relate to this.  Music helps me feel feelings that I ordinarily would lock away and ignore. I can feel sadness, anger, frustration, joy, happiness, and hope.  "On the Surface" by Rosanne Cash fills me with grief, "Monster" by Skillet tells me I'm not the only one struggling with anger and sin, "Eagle When She Flies" by Dolly Parton reminds me that I'm strong, "When Mercy Found Me" by Rhett Walker Band makes me feel loved.  Music is my friend, holding my hand, singing to me, "Let it out, baby.  Let it out."

I struggle with what people think about me.  (Everyone does, right?  RIGHT!?)  I want to be liked.  I'm not sure I'm quite likable, but I'm charming.  Once I love you, I develop a great concern about your opinion about me.  So much so, that when it looks like I might be making a genuine friendship, I throw up a wall and start to panic.  I start to push away, because while I love Florence + the Machine's "Breaking Down," I imagine that people do not want to hear that I relate to it.

Clearly, this is my issue, and I admit it.  Trust is not my forte.  I like my friends to think they know me, and then they just stay there where I put them.  At the same time, someone who will take the time to nudge me into a real relationship is priceless.  I do know that.  It's just so scary to me.  In the end, I just don't want my heart broken.

I have been blessed with some true friendships in my life.  Believe me, whether they realize it or not, I tried to run away from every single one of them.  My head is full of whispers that they don't really like me, they will betray my trust, they feel sorry for me, and that's just the tip of the iceberg.  But I think that a friend is much like a song, if I would let it be.  Sometimes I just want someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me I'm loved, and maybe whisper, "Let it out, baby.  Let it out."

1 comment:

I am very needy. I need your comments.